Sadly, for most of us (unless you’re clinging onto your youth), our years as the trick-or-treater have since passed. But to reminisce for old time’s sake, here is my unofficial review of the typical houses encountered on the spooktacular holiday we call: Halloween. (Remember to take these reviews into consideration when it’s your time to pass out candy.)

  1. The “Nobody’s Home” House: These houses made an extra effort to show how “not” home they were. The porch lights were off. The shades in the windows were all dramatically down. But we knew the truth. They were in there, alright, just hiding in the basement like it’s a bomb shelter (those cowards.) 0/10
  2. The “Popcorn Ball” House: One of my least favorite houses while trick-or-treating was the house that gave out popcorn balls. If you liked popcorn balls, then bully for you. I, on the other hand, always had to muster up a fake smile, but the look in my eyes probably said it all, (“Oh, dear God, what did I do to deserve this?”) 3/10
  3. The “Tootsie-Roll” House: Obviously, you had to take what you could get. That’s what this type of house was. These homes were shamelessly mediocre. Whether it was one, measly tootsie roll or one, lousy jolly rancher, it never sufficed a kid’s desire to get the most candy possible. You had to sprint to the house next door if you wanted to make up for the loss of revenue that did to your stash. 5/10
  4. The “Take One” House: This house put too much faith in the integrity of small children. They did not personally hand out candy. (However, these houses still receive points for effort.) Instead, they left a bowl out on the porch labeled: “Please take ONE.” By the time you approached these houses, the bowl was already empty from the greedy kids who clearly took more than one. If you were said greedy kid, your ranking is probably a lot different from mine. 6/10
  5. The “Elderly-Woman-Handing-Out-Change” House: You couldn’t hate this house or despise it in anyway. The frail, old woman was well-intended with her bowl of nickels and pennies. Yet no one had the heart or guts to tell her that a nickel is no longer enough to buy candy. Stay sweet, little granny. 6/10
  6. The “Fun-Sized” House: This house was always a very solid place. You couldn’t go wrong with knocking on the door of one of these houses. Although the “fun-sized” treats weren’t the ideal size, they were the quality, name-brand candy you deserved. 7/10
  7. The “Regular-Sized” House: Oh yeah, coming to the house was a dream come true. Finally, someone was handing out the big guns with the regular-sized chocolate bars and Skittles bags. Nothing, but the utmost respect for these homes and their understanding that Halloween was serious business. 9/10
  8. The “This is not just a holiday, it’s a lifestyle” House: This house was downright frightening. In fact, it was no longer a house. It was a full-blown production. They had fog machines, fake cobwebs, eerie music, and creepy scarecrows that turned out to be a neighborhood dad. Looking back on these houses, however, the scariest thing about them now is how much time and money that was seriously invested into them. Nonetheless, this house hands down deserves: 10/10.

–Mary Lavelle, Staff Member