In an interview this Friday with entertainment conglomerate E! News, Ned Miller came forward to dismiss the wild rumors surrounding his current residency in Florida.
“They’ve accused me of crimes ranging from selling drugs in a McDonald’s drive through to taking bath salts and turning into a flesh eating zombie,” Mr. Miller said to a sympathetic reporter. “It’s ruining my life. I can’t apply to jobs with a supposed criminal record. The attack rumors of me beating up an innocent grandma gave my wife such a start that she immediately began filing for divorce.”
When asked for comment Ned’s wife, Tina Miller, responded, “I honestly thought Ned was a great guy. At first, I didn’t understand the news stories that were popping up. Why would my Ned do anything so alarming? But then the stories became more frequent and more vicious. At this point he isn’t the man I fell in love with. And this latest post,” Mrs. Miller said referring to the news story in which Florida Man robbed a bank with a banana and seven paper clips.
A recent child endangerment suit regarding the rumor that he terrorized the town dressed as a chainsaw wielding Sprinkles the Clown threatens total loss of custody of his two children.
“Please,” Ned pleaded as he began to tear up, “I love my children more than anything, more than life itself. Please, these rumors have to stop. I can’t go on living like this.”
He then broke into inconsolable tears. A representative from E! News attempted to console him, but he ran out of the room, knocking over a light fixture in the process.
Tomorrow on E!News.com, Florida Man Destroys Entire Studio in Psychotic Rage.
–Hannah Wagner, Staff Member