The Premier League is the English soccer league, and only in the past four or so years has the Premier League become the thing to follow in America. And of course, with any sport in America comes the gradual formation of stereotypical and hilarious fandoms. I knew it was my duty to catalog and record the behaviors of these fandoms, which are mostly made up of men.
I have provided profiles of the eight most popular Premier League fandoms in America, along with a likability ranking out of 10 and an answer to the question: Should you date someone in this fandom? (Most of the time, you shouldn’t.)
American Arsenal fans: They’re a cult. These guys played soccer in high school and still think/wish they were in high school. They have a grand total of three different haircuts among them. There is a collective awful dress sense within this fandom, but American Arsenal fans believe that they dress well. Even though they all proudly own full tracksuits. 90% of these men became Arsenal fans on September 2nd, 2013, the day of their savior’s birth. They think they know shit, but they truly don’t. They’ve never held a solid conversation about soccer with anyone outside of the Arsenal fandom. American Arsenal fans also think they’re English. Very active on Twitter and always use the heaviest Instagram filters. Some American Arsenal fans still wear their Wilshere jerseys in public and claim Oxlade-Chamberlin has a chance to break through at Arsenal.
Likability ranking: 5 out of 10
Should you date an American Arsenal fan? Probably not. These men will play you for sure. Just like many past Arsenal players, American Arsenal fans are snakes. And very emotionally unavailable.
American Manchester City fans: These are not cool guys, but they’re trying the best out of anyone you know to act cool. Chances are they became a City fan after finding a cool blue jersey they liked they look of and then found out later what exactly they were wearing. If they bought the jersey with any kind of intent, it’s a Kun Agüero jersey. American City fans really want to join in on the soccer conversations and they try to but they legitimately don’t have anything to say about the Champions League. They don’t know what it is.
These men are often called “plastic” by other fandoms but they aren’t hurt by it because they know they’re plastic. They are content and quite nice. They tweet a lot about Kevin de Bruyne – you can count on a KDB tweet every weekend even if he doesn’t play.
Likability ranking: 7.5 out of 10
Should you date an American Manchester City fan? Why not? With some patience and guidance, he will reach full Cityzen. And there are worse things to be.
American Manchester United fans: They are a dime a dozen. Unoriginal. 50% have no idea who Sir Alex Ferguson is, and in that vein, they probably don’t know who Giggs is, or the Nevilles, or Scholes, or Cantona, or really anyone is. But they will never shut up about Pogba or Zlatan. And they didn’t watch the Euros this summer so they don’t rate Rashford. In fact, they probably don’t know who he is, either. American United fans think Mourinho was a quality acquisition and that it was the best they could do. They are a diverse group in that American United fans range from frat boys who bought the jersey to wear it to the O, to actual sportsmen, to people who just thought it sounded cool to support one of the most hated soccer teams in the world. Back to the “they don’t know anyone” point for a second: if they know Beckham played for United, they think he’s their best player of all time. They think refs overreact when they card Fellaini for bloodying heads. They hate Arsenal just because. They hate everyone. Often going through existential crises.
Likability ranking: 4 out of 10
Should I date an American Manchester United fan? No. It will definitely not be worth it.
American Everton fans: A very gentle group of fans, if not slightly pathetic as well. 99% of American Everton fans are part of the fandom because of that one match Tim Howard played well in at the 2014 World Cup. Maybe it was against Belgium. They don’t remember because they spent the whole match being reborn. 1% maybe know that Landon Donovan played there for a second but that would be a stretch for these American fans. Not very loud about their membership in the Everton fandom unless they experience a run of good results. Then they try to pick fights with their regional neighbor fandom, Liverpool, which they always lose. They just always lose. Not a team they chose for glory, but maybe to be hipster. Or because of Tim Howard. If you see an American Everton fan out and about and you ask how they became an Everton fan, there’s always an inevitable moment of embarrassment and stumbling over the answer. If you ask if Lukaku’s going to leave, they’ll say “haha, yeah.”
Likability ranking: 7 out of 10, tied with American Liverpool fans
Should you date an American Everton fan? Maybe. He’s not going to be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had, but not the worst either. He’ll chill somewhere in the middle of the order of your life experiences from best to worst.
American Leicester City fans: By the time their jersey came in after being on backorder since May, Jamie Vardy wasn’t cool anymore. And neither was it still cool to be a Leicester fan. Neither of those things matter to American Leicester fans. Leicester stayed up. And are probably going to win the Champions League.
Likability ranking: 6 out of 10
Should I date an American Leicester City fan? Yes. When you’re not cool anymore, he’ll still be around.
American Liverpool fans: These guys are loud. They’re the group of guys you give side-eye to at the bar because they are so rowdy you can’t hear yourself speak. They also cry over soccer, which, to the perspective of an outside to the fandom, is probably gross. They are happy and fun but only if you’re a fellow Liverpool fan, a neutral, or maybe a Spurs or Southampton fan. They will throw down with anyone else unprovoked. Just the sight of a rival jersey is enough to set them off. American Liverpool fans still rate Steven Gerrard and would have him back in the current lineup, no matter how much of a bad idea that would be. They listen to “You’ll Never Walk Alone” just randomly throughout the week and tweet or snap about how it gives them goosebumps. They will compare anything and everything to Istanbul. They’re three points behind in beer pong? Istanbul. They need a 90% to pass the online quiz but got an 87%? Istanbul. American Liverpool fans were emo teenagers. Their jerseys are always too tight. And they think Mané, Coutinho, and Firmino are the new Messi, Suarez, Neymar.
Likability ranking: 7 out of 10, tied with American Everton fans
Should you date an American Liverpool fan? Maybe. You’ll have fun but you’ll also suffer. Depends on if you can handle it. They aren’t for everyone.
American Chelsea fans: The worst guys on the list. They are rude as shit. Never properly watch the soccer matches but they always have something to say when Chelsea win. They don’t know anything about proper Chelsea legends like Lampard and Terry but know everything about/worship Drogba. These guys own Hazard jerseys that they think look great with cargo shorts. They didn’t even have the decency to not wear the Hazard jerseys in public when he had the worst season of this life last season, and furthermore, they didn’t understand why people made fun of them for wearing their Hazard jerseys in public last season. American Chelsea fans think they are very hard, but it’s all bark and no bite. You can’t bite if you’re that out of touch with the modern game. These men genuinely still tell the same worn out soccer jokes from years ago, even though most of them didn’t decide to be Chelsea fans until May 3rd, 2015, the date of Chelsea’s last Premier League title. They don’t know who Roman Abramovich is, and they still think Courtois is a top goalkeeper.
Likability ranking: 3 out of 10
Should you date an American Chelsea fan? Hell no.
American Tottenham Hotspur (Spurs) fans: They spent a lot of their time jerking off to Harry Kane’s highlight reels from last season. American Spurs fans have well-crafted arguments on why Pochettino is the best manager in the world (note: he’s not). They will continue to stick up for Spurs even after a shameful display, which is 50% pitiful, 50% heartwarming, and Spurs is 100% still not going to win the league and these guys know it. They are pleasant men with no real beef except with Arsenal and maybe Chelsea. They can be boring and stuck up – for some reason Spurs fans think they’re sophisticated for liking Spurs. American Spurs fans never saw Gareth Bale play for Spurs but still sometimes express confusion as to “where the Bale money went.” They also claim Kyle Walker/Danny Rose is the best RB/LB pairing in Europe and they are serious.
Likability ranking: 8 out of 10
Should you date an American Tottenham Hotspur fan? Yes! Just know he’ll be sad for a while when Spurs inevitably let him down.
–Lacey Ross, Guest-Writer