SHAKER HEIGHTS, OHIO, USA—Doing a double take at the last year in Ohio sports history, Cleveland resident and local pessimist Harold Evans expressed confusion over the rise of “good, like, actually pretty good” Ohio sports franchises. “We’ve just lived so long in a state where 7/7 of the Major League sports franchises were the laughing stock of the league, I’m not used to winning,” said Evans, rocking back and forth like his state hasn’t won three league championships and a national title in the last year. “I can barely even think about sports anymore without being disappointed at the sheer joy I am supposed to feel. I can’t learn how to be a fairweather fan in this climate….” At press time, Evans was reportedly sleeping with a teddy bear that had a newspaper that talked about the Cleveland Browns’ record-breaking winless season taped over its face.