Baby, It’s Cold Outside
This one isn’t very subtle about it’s creepier elements. Take the line “Say, what’s in this drink.” I can’t say for sure what’s in the drink, but I can tell you that it’s time to “Run, Rudolf, Run” away from that man. Not to mention that he has no respect for boundaries. He ought not to move in closer. In fact, he ought to move himself right to creep-ville because that’s where he belongs. 6 safety whistles/10.
Santa Baby
Now the lyrics of Santa Baby are a little subtler, and by subtle I mean completely not subtle. I mean “Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed. Next year I could be also good, If you’ll check off my Christmas list.” Really? Santa isn’t your jolly old sugar daddy. Get a grip. And don’t get me started on the age difference. Santa’s been old since 1821, and you’ve only been on this earth for approximately 671,559,043 seconds. You’re nearly old enough to purchase all of the alcohol you’re going to need to forget that any of this happened. 8 Santa Baby Daddies/10.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause
If you think the concept for “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause” is the creepiest part, you won’t believe how deep of a creep pit you’re about to fall into. There are two ways to take this song. Either the kid in the song saw Mommy kissing his father in a red suit, or the kid saw Mommy kissing Father Christmas. And trust me. You don’t want to know what happens, “Underneath his beard so snowy white.” 5 divorce lawyers/10
Carol of the Bells
Now Carol of the bells might seem like an odd choice to wrap up this scandalous lists, but I assure you it is dark. Think about it. Doesn’t Carrol of the bells sound a bit like a cult chant. Doesn’t the repetitive chime of the hark lull you into a sense of security. Doesn’t it make you believe in unity and a sense of purpose again. Doesn’t it make you want to cry out. Hark how the bells. Sweet, silver bells. ALL seem to say. Throw cares away. Throw cares away! you scream into the void. Throw Cares Away! You feel at peace. THROW CARES AWAY! There is no you; there is only Unity.
— Oh sorry. I was just… Uhh. yeah. 7 large donations to the Children of God /10
–Hannah Wagner, Staff Member