After multiple attempts at luring the public into forfeiting even more privacy for questionable gain, the CIA has offered American citizens a compromise: allow them complete access to every bit of information about you in exchange for fully personalized Christmas presents every year. “New advancements in neural networking allow us to dig through every juicy, embarrassing part of your internet history and understand what it all means in milliseconds,” CIA Director Allison Pryor explained, wearing a tacky Santa hat with a poorly-disguised camera sewn into the brim. “Unfortunately, the courts have been hesitant to allow us unrestricted access to literally everyone, so we wanted to make an offer to America: You let us peek through all your stuff, and we’ll use that information to send you gifts! We’d know you better than your whole family – and maybe even yourself – so guessing what you want every year would be pretty trivial.” At press time, Congressional Democrats were seen looking for a way to join the service while keeping access for their own devices restricted for reasons of national security, while Republicans were arguing that the program was an obscene waste of tax dollars and that true, patriotic Americans should voluntarily give up their data anyway.