Winter is here! Which means ho ho holy crap it’s cold outside. This holiday season, local Columbus light poles have started speaking out against being licked in the winter. Light pole number CT.121657 has made a comment on the issue, stating “it’s just disrespectful really. Light poles are people, too, and we don’t want your tongues stuck to any part us. Why do people even lick us in the first place? They know their tongue is going to get stuck, and then somehow WE GET BLAMED! I’M JUST A LIGHT POLE! I DON’T HAVE A DEGREE!”
The overwhelming of majority of other light poles interviewed agreed with pole CT.121657, including light poles CT.145657, ST:187643, YR.111257, GH.189347, and even poles CB.696969 and MD.420420. Pole CR:185036 mentioned that he “enjoys being licked” as he pulled out his e-cigarette and asked me if I “come around here often.”
Pole CT.121657 went on to say that “it’s really a consent issue. We light poles really respect our privacy and personal space, and when people violate that it’s really hard on all of us. I remember what happened to pole SW.345968, but I just…I can’t bring myself to talk about it…it’s just too painful.”
If you want to help raise light pole awareness, you can start by telling your friends, family, dentists, the CEO of Google, masseur, and interior decorator to keep their tongues off light poles this year, but don’t you dare tell your priest, publicist, or your MRI technician. Additionally, keep your eyes peeled for the new campaign website, which will be up “as soon as we learn how to operate a computer,” said CT.121657. “Also,” continued CT.121657, “we don’t really appreciate when couples make out under us when it’s dark out. Some of us have kids, and no one needs to see that. Keep your tongues in your own mouth and off of us. ”
–Maddie Gottfried, Contributor