While eating a messily decorated Christmas cookie, first grader Eric Cantor was seen looking up at his father earnestly, trying to understand how his and every other good girl’s and boy’s presents could be produced fairly. “Hey Daddy, how do the elves make so many presents every year while keeping reasonable hours, safe conditions, and fair pay?” Eric asked, licking off a milk mustache. “Well, that’s the magic of Christmas, isn’t it?” Eric’s father reportedly responded, smiling awkwardly. “Now go back upstairs before your mom sees you eating even more sugar!” At press time, Eric was allegedly scrawling “Santa is a PIG” and “There is no such thing as ethical consumption under capitalism” in bright red crayon on his bedroom walls.