The holiday season is a stressful time for everyone. From kids wondering if their parents are going to buy them that super special present and earn their love, to the elderly wondering if they’re going to get in their quota of racist banter during dinner, to parents wondering how they’re going to (spoilers) break it to their little shit, morbidly obese child that Santa isn’t real because they found the presents hidden in the locked box underneath their bed. Needless to say, everyone has some beef with the holiday season. But we here at The Sundial Humor and Lifestyle Magazine have gotten together the top eight ways for you to combat holiday stress this year.
- Exercise. No really, exercise
This will help you in two ways. Biologically, it releases endorphins and dopamine which will make you feel happy. But if you’re not a nerd and you don’t care about that, it’ll make your bod super taut and people will compliment you. And who doesn’t like your creepy uncle commenting on your body?
2. Eat. And eat a lot
Literally the exact opposite of #1. We know you were going to do this anyway, but comfort food has that name for a reason.
3. Become a hermit
Love the outdoors? Well then make it your life. Wander into the woods with nothing but a sharp rock and hunger for raw deer and live there for several months. It’ll cut off unnecessary contact with your family, your pesky boss who wants you to work overtime near the holidays, and that guy on your street whose lights are always just a little better than yours.
4. Rob a bank
It’s simple. Get a mask. Get a gun. Get a bag. GET ON THE FLOOR THIS IS A ROBBERY. Don’t you already feel the adrenaline running through your veins? Get caught or not, this has no downside. If you don’t get caught, you get to keep all of the money you stole. Yahoo! And if you DO get caught, don’t worry because you still get to stay away from your family for the foreseeable future.
5. Learn a trade
What’s more satisfying than choking making something with your bare hands? Make yourself a festive holiday table or a festive holiday chair whatever the hell that is. You could also learn to cook or learn to fix appliances so you’ll be the envy of your family.
6. Convert to become a Jehovah’s Witness
Paganism be damned, you’re above the sheep masses. You don’t need holidays. You have God and he’s all you need. Holidays and family are temporary. Faith is eternal.
7. Become so sarcastic that people think you’re serious
“Ya Uncle Steve, Breitbart IS a reputable news source. It speaks the truth. No inherent bias at all.”
8. Spend Christmas Eve with your Jewish friends.
Buffer how terrible the next day is going to be by going to the empty, tumbleweed filled movie theater and eating unleavened bread with the few people on this Earth that you actually love and enjoy. Bear in mind these are the same people you Uncle Steve thinks are changing the word economies at their whim. So don’t mention to him how you spent your last 24 hours when he comes over for dinner.
Follow these suggestions and you’ll definitely avoid that pesky stress this holiday season!