Sure, Santa’s creepy. We all have this idea of a fat man in a red suit breaking into our house unannounced, leaving mysterious unmarked packages that probably wouldn’t pass a TSA security screening, and eating the baked goods you’ve left out for relatives. I’m sure this can be upsetting if you hate fat people, the color red, or are fond of the anti-Muslim, I mean security measures, put into place by Former President George “W stands for Why was I president” Bush by means of the Patriot Act.
But you know what’s worse than George Bush and Santa Claus combined?
Magicians.
This is something I can legitimately back up with evidence, too. It’s not something I’m saying because I hate magicians for not giving up their secrets. Nor am I saying it because my significant other cheated on me with a magician.
They are lying scumbags who pass off screwing with your idea of reality as entertainment. Let’s compare and contrast. Santa brings millions of children wonder and awe everywhere. Magicians make me cry. Santa inspires the spirit of giving in the people in the world. Magicians lie to you and think wonder and awe make you happy. They pretend to be your best friend and wash disappearing ink off you. Santa has thousands of happy little elf helpers. Magicians spend too much time alone in their basement thinking of ways to deceive you and sneak around with Karen. Santa only takes baked goods. Some street magicians scam you out of your hard-earned cash. Another key difference, you didn’t find Santa in the back of a 1997 Ford Taurus pulling lengths of handkerchiefs out of your significant other’s [ORIFICE REDACTED].
“But Adam…”
Yes, reader?
“Isn’t Santa kind of a magician?”
You’re very right. However, we’ve all just assumed baby Jesus gives Santa his magic. We know magicians don’t get their powers from a small Christ-child, but rather lies and distraction. They may even derive their powers from someone else’s lies and distraction. When Karen says they’re going out for drinks with friends, they’re really going to play hide the rabbit with a magician. Thus, giving a magician the power to break your psyche and get you to believe any trick.
Santa probably isn’t the best holiday mascot, but at least he isn’t a magician or Karen.
—Adam Hribar, Senior Staff Member, Member of Students Against Magicians