Dear Amy,
Valentine’s Day is upon us and I’m absolutely distraught. I’ve been dropping subtle hints to this guy I like for a really long time, but he just isn’t getting it. I really want to have the perfect Valentine’s Day date, but he remains ignorant of my crush. What should I do to get his attention?
With love,
Vexed Valentine’s Vixen
Dear “Vexed Valentines Vixen”
I’d first like to congratulate you on that alliteration. I’m sure you didn’t have to go to yourdictionary.com in order to come up with more than one word that started with a ‘v’. Secondly, I’d like to take this time to once again insist that this is a humor magazine and not an Ask Amy column. However, due to the relative success of the first Ask Amy (https://goo.gl/sq1Dls) and the relative ego of the totally anonymous author, we’ll answer your question.
Vexed, can I call you that? Vexed, you’ve come to the right place. I happen to be an expert in the field of attention seeking, and as such, I have some top notch advice for you.
- Subtweet him about your loneliness until he notices. Talk about how there’s a guy who will never know how much he means to you. Remind him how much of a catch you would be. List in a series of at least twelve tweets all of your best relational qualities. Make sure when you’re picking these qualities that you’re picking things to compliment his personality. Does he love a good movie? Make sure you tweet about all of the Oscars you’ve won.
- Find a new guy, and take him everywhere you go. Take him to Chipotle. Take him to Ukulele Club. Take him to the Buckeyelink offices so you can print out the class schedule of your crush. Accidently run into your crush with this new boy toy before, after, and during every single class. This may require you to miss your own classes, but subtle jealousy will drive your crush right into your waiting arms.
- Find every photo that contains the two of you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a selfie of you or a picture of the Shoe during the Michigan game. Find every single picture. Hang them up on a corkboard and throw on some creative red string connecting the pictures. Then, accidently walk by the board while talking to him. The subtly of your best moments will encourage him to view you in a new light.
- If none of these solutions are working for you there is one more, but I warn you it’s a little crazy. I know at this point in the list you must be desperate, but I warn you that once you try this solution there will be no going back. This is perhaps the most dangerous and most outrageous solution that I could possibly recommend. You ready, Vexed? Okay, here it is. Take out your phone, put in your crush’s number, and ask him if he wants to go out.
Best Wishes,
An anonymous Sundial member whose name definitely won’t be in the byline.