To the kind souls at the Jolly Rodger Rehab Clinic,
It has come to my attention that some of my friends and family are concerned about my recent behavior and have reached out to you regarding these matters. Therefore, I feel the need to clarify a few things. I am not an addict. I do not have an addictive personality. However, I am a scientist, and science can be messy sometimes. To a non-scientist it may appear that I am dealing with a series of crippling addictions, but I am quite confident that if you listen to what I have to say, you will see that the only thing I am addicted to is the endless quest for knowledge.
Some, who for the purposes of anonymity will remain unnamed, have suggested that the fact that I spent five straight days drinking intoxicating beverages is a sign that I am an alcoholic. My response to these individuals is simple: do you even care about science? Because these five days of drunkenness have the potential to completely rewrite our understanding of human behavior. I have been working on an experiment entitled “The Effects of Constant Drunkenness on Human Mood and Personality” that, due to the demanding nature of science, unfortunately required me to suffer through five days of alcohol fueled bliss. The results of my experiment have been fascinating. While it is too early to draw conclusions, my field notes indicate a sharp change in my temperament over the five days. On my first day of drinking I wrote a detailed description of how I felt under the effects of alcohol. By the third day, my notes were quite different, simply saying “Com over I drink, ?” My notes from the fifth and final day were perhaps the most shocking, with my statement that “Jen Renker thank tucki wanna come here Adam tembut are u still Viks I got drank o” possibly indicating that I had developed a completely new form of communication in my drunken state. Clearly, this five-day experience was not a sign of addiction at all, but a fascinating exploration of the human condition.
It has also been suggested that my daily excursions to chainsmoke behind my dumpster is a clear indication that I have a nicotine addiction. These suggestions are completely unfounded, as any true scientist would know that I have been performing a very important study that sadly requires me to smoke cigarettes. For my experiment “The Effect of Auditory Input on Mental Anguish While Smoking Nicotine Products,” I have been attempting to find a correlation between the music I listen to while I smoke and the degree of physical and emotional illness I feel after smoking. Interestingly, the song I played while smoking didn’t seem to have any significant impact on my health, as I always ended up with an uncontrollable cough and an intense degree of self loathing, whether I listened to “Baby Beluga” or “Revolution 9”. Not every experiment will be a success, but the joy of science is in the journey not the destination.
And yes, if you must know, I was huffing an immense amount of gasoline in my garage last week. But its not because I’m addicted to the fumes. I simply wanted to see if inhaling gasoline made me move faster like a car. My project is entitled “Can Gasoline Heighten Human Motor Efficiency?” and forced me to inhale gasoline for hours on ends all in the name of science. Sadly, I found that inhaling gasoline fumes did not make me move very quickly. However, I did discover a fascinating new similarity between myself and motor vehicles. Like my car, I suddenly found myself hungry for more gasoline, and upon running out of gasoline I became lethargic and irritable. This is an incredible development that I think will lead to innovative new research in human-car hybrids. They say that the best discoveries are accidental: penicillin, the sticky note, and now, what I have deemed the hungry-for-gasoline effect.
I hope this has convinced you all that I am not in the least bit an addictive person. The only reason I’m uncontrollably shaking right now is that I am so excited by science. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to continue my new experiment to determine the relationship between cocaine use and the number of push-ups I can do. So far, I am still unable to do a single push-up, but I have learned that if I do not take my cocaine on a rigorous schedule, I become violently ill. This is likely due to a strong desire to do more push-ups, and in no way a sign of my developing a severe cocaine addiction.
Sincerely,
Conrad H. Helsinki, (aspiring) PhD