In a move that’ll surely go down with the Dean Scream and “Binders Full of Women” in campaign infamy, Write-in candidate Stav may have just had the blunder of the USG election season! By now you’ve probably heard of it, but at a campaign event on the Oval earlier today, Stav was caught on tape abruptly combusting into flames and loudly chanting in a long-forgotten, yet oddly demonic language. Bystanders lucky enough to not be set fire told reporters that a chasm opened up, swallowing the Thompson Statue in its entirety and releasing hordes of hellbeasts swarming onto unsuspecting students. Boy, it’ll sure be hard to recover from this one Stav! But remember, not all hope is lost! The next step for the [Last Name Redacted] campaign has to be apologizing for this major faux pas, and also should likely include toning down the open praising of Moloch, Lord of Pestilence that’s defined her campaign for the past few hours. Hopefully, she can still get enough votes on this crowded ballot!
–Allan, Senior Staff Member