I make an unusual number of comments about selling my soul. Whether that’s saying “I would 100% sell my soul for a piece of cake right now” or “I would 100% sell my soul for $2.00 to buy some glitter stickers,” I’m usually putting my soul up for grabs in one way or another. But I sat down to reflect on who or even what I would actually sell my soul to. If I cared, at all, about the fate of my soul, maybe I’d be picky and only sell it to a nice middle-class family or a passionate oboe player. However, since I’m pretty sure my soul is utter crap, I’ve reasoned that I would only sell my soul to an aimless ladybug. And here are the five reasons why:

  1. You can’t really sell other things to a ladybug. Can’t sell them alcohol, sex, drugs, cornflakes, designer watches, home insurance, or even ceiling fans. Ladybugs just aren’t in the market to buy any of those things. They are, however, somehow always down to buy your soul, and I have to admit the offers aren’t bad.
  2. I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten all that I can get out of my soul. There’s really not much more I have to offer myself. Emotions? Don’t want. Feelings? No thanks. A desire to live and experience life? I’d rather not.
  3. I tried selling my soul on Ebay and couldn’t get any bidders.
  4. One ladybug dollar is worth $62 USD, and I met this one ladybug in the back of an alley that said he’d give me 10 LadybugDollarsTM so that’s a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I know what you’re thinking, “Maddie you can’t just meet ladybugs in the back of an alley. What if they’re a murderer or something?!” To which I’d reply, “It’s just a fucking ladybug.”
  5. I’m trying to be more entrepreneurial and apparently selling my internal organs is “wrong”, “illegal”, and “I’m not going to cut you open with a pocket knife so you can sell off your pancreas I’m just an Uber driver.”

So if anyone out there knows any ladybugs in need of a human soul, for whatever reason, please let me know. The sooner I can unload this soul the better. It’s taking up quite a lot of physical space that I need to fill with bread crumbs and confetti to be a human piñata for a pigeon’s birthday party.

-Maddie Gottfried, Contributor