Dear Amy,
Halloween is just around the corner and I’m having a serious costume emergency. My friends and I were talking and I tried suggesting going as the adorable cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.s, but they won’t have it. Worst of all, they’ve all decided to go in cute couple’s costumes, and I’ve got no one to pair up with. I need an idea for a costume so good that it will blow all of their stupid store-bought peanut butter and jelly outfits out of the water.
Pumpkins and penguins,
Spookily Single
Dear “Spookily Single”,
There are so many things wrong with your email that I don’t know where to start, so I’ll take it from the top.
A) I would like to once again remind you that this is a humor magazine and not a fashion or advice blog. I will answer your question, but adjust your expectations accordingly. B) It’s two days until Halloween. How on earth do you expect to pull off a spook-tacular, homemade, Halloween costume with less than 48 hours? Adjust your expectations accordingly. C) What kind of loser signs an email “Pumpkins and Penguins”? It’s 50% on theme and 100% lazy. I’ve lost all respect for you as a person and therefore care little for the outcome of your situation. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Now on to the advice. As the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them. To help you with just that I’ve provided a list of one person couples costumes.
- Tom Hanks and Wilson from Castaway
Who better to play in your single desperation than a man who is stranded by himself on a deserted island. If you grab yourself a volleyball and some paint you can create the perfect couple’s costume yourself. No one needs to know that Wilson isn’t a cute guy you met at whatever beach you went to this summer. Just make sure to keep all details vague so no one can accuse you of lying when you bring a beach volleyball instead of a beach babe.
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
You could play the iconic duo of Dr. J and Mr. H. They’re so closely tied to each other that you never hear one name without the other. Best yet, they’re never seen in the same room at the same time. All you need is a costume that can transition between the two and you’re good to go. If you think changing between two costumes without anyone noticing is going to be difficult, I suggest you watch literally any Disney show ever. Or any show for that matter. They all have at least one episode in which a main character hilariously fails at being in two places at once. I mean, hilariously succeeds… You’ll be fine.
- Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and Scoobert Doo
The lonely stoner vibe will totally work with your reigning singledom. However, you have to ignore that one weird plotline in Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated where Shaggy and Velma dated, we all do. Plus, if you bring a real great dane to the party everyone will be too busy figuring out who’s a good boy to remember how terribly single you are. Bonus points for nailing the voice and the terrible indigestion I’m sure Shaggy gets after every comically large sandwich.
- The Old Man From Up
A quirky cartoon character or a creepy serial murder too joyous for your deepening depression? Try being that old man from up. There’s no need to trick your friends into believing you have a date when your soul mate is dead. Accessories to this costume could include a box of tissues and leaving the party at 10:30 because it’s past your bedtime.
Well Spookily Single, there’s a few sub-par couple’s costume suggestions for you from a lonely and bitter advice column writer.
Best Wishes,
An anonymous Sundial member whose name definitely won’t be in the byline