Buy:

  1. <$20 Gift Card to a chain restaurant, probably Panera.
  2. “Non-committal” diamonds
  3. Passive-aggressive comments about guys she hangs out with
  4. Bake her some cookies, but burn some
  5. Crippling insecurity
  6. A handmade card with a really romantic inscription. No Shakespeare.
  7. Write her a short story and put too much time into it.
  8. Like twenty extra pounds

Do Not Buy

  1. “Committal” Diamonds
  2. Anything made out of mink
  3. Telling her that you love her and expecting a response other than “look, I just don’t feel the same way, I’m sorry. I’ve told you this time and time again. You just need to get over it”
  4. Alcohol
  5. Depression
  6. A weird hook-up with a girl from high school who you were pretty sure was a lesbian.
  7. Literally, anything in the world to take your mind off the fact that she’s only going to buy you something out of obligation.

-Connor Rigney, Senior Staff Member