I am unsure if Paul Simon realized, but his song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” is misleading. Perhaps this was a simple typo and he meant to title the song “5 Ways to Leave Your Lover” as that’s all he provided us. Or, it could possibly be that he is just embarrassingly bad at counting. Nonetheless, and 43 years too late, I managed to muster up the rest of the 45 ways. So, here’s to you, Mr. Simon.
- Just slip out the back, Jack
- Make a new plan, Stan
- Don’t need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
- Hop on the bus, Gus, don’t need to discuss much
- Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
- Post a subtweet, Pete
- Be a little petty, Betty
- Make a clean break, Blake
- Block him on Facebook, Brooke
- Lose your streak on snapchat, Pat
- Say you need some space, Chase
- Get a separate Uber, Luther
- Or maybe take a Lyft, Tiff
- Be a good guy, Ty
- Fake like your “busy”, Lizzie
- Slide out the DMs, Liam
- Drop her for your bros, Joe
- Storm away real mad, Brad
- Act like a dick, Rick
- Or don’t be a dick, Rick
- Say what you mean, Dean
- Ghost all his texts, Lex
- Sign a new lease, Therese
- Meet face to face, Grace
- Don’t be a hot mess, Jess
- Delete all your conversations, Nathan
- Catch the quickest plane, Jane
- Say, “it’s not you, it’s me”, Hailee
- Be the bigger person, Kiersten
- Start actin’ shady, Brady
- Do it on a whim, Jim
- Leave a message at the tone, Joan
- Tell the truth, Ruth
- Don’t talk to her again, Ben
- Ditch her at the dance, Chance
- Remove couple pics off Instagram, Sam
- Cock an attitude, Jude
- Escape in the mornin’, Lauren
- Run out on the check, Beck
- Share it on your IG story, Tori
- Let him down gentle, Kendall
- Pretend to be dead, Ted
- Find a new job, Rob
- Make it super chill, Jill
- Go out on a limb, Kim
- Scream “we’re through,” Drew
- Walk out dramatically, Natalie
- Up and leave, Steve
- Put him in the friend zone, Sloane
- Seriously, it’s not that hard to just give her a simple call, PAUL!
If you made it to the end of this list, because you read it all the way through: Congratulations and I thank you for taking the time to read!
If you made it to the end of this list, but only because you scrolled down: Hey, I’ll take what I can get.
Also, a special thanks to technological innovations over the years for helping to create new and crummier ways to leave your lover.