1. Put all of your roommates’ dishes and silverware onto the counter, spit on them, and exhale warmly on them to pretend that you are an industrial-strength dishwasher
2. Floss twice to scare future plaque away (so you won’t have to floss for two days)
3. Lie down on the ground and lick up a whole carpet, fiber by fiber, while humming loudly to pretend that you are a diligent vacuum cleaner
4. Spin around and knock EVERYTHING onto the floor (to the tune of Mumford & Sons) to pretend that you are an angsty, repetitive, folk-centric tornado
5. Do some light lawnwork to pretend that you care about the appearance of your decrepit apartment
6. Put on two shirts instead of one to pretend that you are a sentient clothes hanger
7. Try to pretend that death isn’t constantly looming over you and everyone that you love
8. Pee a little bit into your car’s gas tank to pretend you can single (or double) handedly solve global climate change
9. Enjoy the exotic taste of two well-used socks, stick your feet in cold spaghetti, and pretend that your toes have traded places with your tongues (everyone knows that you have two tongues‒ you aren’t fooling anyone, dorkus)
-Adam Goecke, Contributor