Dear Amy,
I’ve always been a fitness buff. I love going to the university gym. My workouts are my me time. But every year around this time my sweaty sanctuary becomes swamped with new Freshman newbies and old out of shape weebs. How am I supposed to keep inside my optimal Heart Rate Zone when my HIIT circuit is busted by a beginner lifting 5 pound weights by my mirror? Any advice on how to keep beasting it up in the presence of the weak wannabees.
Pushups and P90X,
Ripped Rep Rebel
Dear “Ripped Rep Rebel”,
I’m back! I know I’ve taken quite the hiatus, but my readership demanded my return. And by “my readership demanded my return” I mean I’m out of ideas, and using this form seems like a good way to generate something new.
Ripped, I’d like to take a second to assure you that you’ve come to the right place. I might be unable to lift more than 10 pounds, and my mile time might be hovering at the 14 minute mark, but I am uniquely qualified to provide you with an expert answer. I could go on and on about my qualifications, but I’ll give you the short list. I was a lifeguard for an entire summer, I sat the bench on my high school swim team, and I’m employed by Recreation and something Activity something (RPAC) on campus.
Alright Ripped, now that I’ve fully convinced you of my qualifications, on to the advice:
1. Have you considered going to a different gym within the Rec. Sports network? We have six high tech recreational facilities spread throughout campus and over 90 acres of outdoor facility space. Just because your space in the convenient second floor stretching loft at the RPAC is taken doesn’t mean you can’t get a good workout in. Enjoy a relaxing and revitalizing game of Frisbee golf on our 18-hole course, located in Fred Beekman Park. Can’t get in a game of hoops at the Tom W. Davis Special Events Gym? Why not go climbing at the Tom W. Davis Climbing Center or take a jog in north campus passed the Tom. D. Davis clock tower?
2. Alternatively, you could do what I do and not go to the gym. Sure it’s worse for your health, both physical and mental, but it’s incredibly time efficient. Who needs free lifting and cardio intervals when you can go through the mental strain of finding a new show to binge watch on Netflix? Plus, eliminating exercise from your schedule means you actually have time to watch new Netflix shows while they’re still new. Might I recommend GLOW, season two recently came out, and watching a show themed around wrestling is basically exercise, right?
3. If I haven’t convinced you yet that the benefits of not exercising far outweigh the harms, then there is still one solution for you. Have you considered “unintentional homicide”? Sure a life threatening accident might get the RPAC shut down for a few days or weeks for safety inspections, but look on the bright side, when it reopens everyone will be too scared to go. A simple Stairmaster “accident” and you’ll have the whole facility to yourself.
I hope that helps Ripped. On another note: I have no good ideas left, so if anyone out there has questions please email thesundialmagazine@gmail.com. It’s either that or I’ll publish another terrible horoscope themed piece.
Best Wishes,
An anonymous Sundial member whose name definitely won’t be in the byline
Written by Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Writer