With both Halloween and midterms coming up, it may seem tempting and thematically appropriate to sell your soul in order to get good grades. If that sounds like a choice you’d like to make, it is important that you know how to do it safely. That’s why we at the Ohio State chapter of the Друг Institute are here to help with this simple and easy tutorial!

 

What You’ll Need (And How to Get It)

• 5 candles (Available at any craft store)

• Some matches (Can be found at any convenience store)

• A copy of Satanic Rites for Student Life, 5th Revision (Can be found at any Barnes & Noble, but only on the night of a blood room, and it can only be purchased for 13 drachmas)

• The Blood of Virgins (Can be found at the Engineering School)

• A lawyer (studentlegal.osu.edu)

• Enough of your own blood to use as ink

 

What to Do

1. Using the virgin blood, draw a circle on the ground at least 5 ft. (1.52m) in diameter. Satan is very energetic, but he cannot leave the circle you make.

2. Use the rest of the virgin blood to make a 5-pointed star, whose points are touching the edge of the circle.

3. Place a lit candle on each of the points of the star (it might be worth it to get scented candles to mask the smell of the blood).

4. If you have any blood left over, you can tell the Fallen Angel what you want before summoning him by starting in the right central gap between the star and the circle and placing the letters “E”, “X”, “A”, “M”, and “S” in each gap, going clockwise as you do so.

5. Stand in front of the circle, turn to page 394 of your Satanic Rites, and chant the passage under “Soul Exchange for Artificial Merit” 3 times. If everything is done right, each chant should start a progressively larger fire in the center of the circle until Beelzebub appears. If that’s what happened, congrats! If not, keep trying, you’ll get there eventually!

6. At this point, have your lawyer and Lucifer discuss the terms of your contract. Lawyers happen to be best friends with the Devil, so this phase should take no longer than 20 minutes (15 if you did step 4).

7. Once negotiations are done, use your own blood to sign the contract presented to you.

8. Enjoy your stellar grades! Your lawyer should have ensured that the midterm performance lasts your entire college career, but if not, can call (666)666-6669 to request a renegotiation.

Written by Zach Levy, Contributor