After decades of eating away at our traditional values, the Lactating Left has done it again! The feminists and gender non-contorting queero’s have advanced yet another front on American masculinity. When will this war on men end???
After immense pressure from liberal patrons of the store, Red, White, and Food, a family-owned, patriotic grocery store located in the heart of the American homeland, has decided to replace the popular Jack- O-Lantern with Jess-O-Lanterns. The owners received a note in their suggestion box that read “Hi! Would you please consider adding some Halloween figures for girls so that they can feel more included? I understand that this year’s inventory may already be purchased, but maybe for next year?” Can you believe the AUDACITY- the TONE- the underlying THREAT veiled beneath this…this…hostage note? This basically reads “Agree with me or lawyer up, assholes, because I’m coming for you with my Planned Parenthood Purgers and ACL-Jews!” Not to mention the abomination within the content of the request!
Now God defined for us what types of “O-Lanterns” are acceptable for us right in The Good Book. As we all know, Jack is a common nickname for John, and John has not one, not two, but FOUR books in the Bible! Coincidence? Or an affront on good Christian values held dear by those of us who haven’t given in to Pussy Hats and Rainbow Fa-! ahem, excuse me, Flags. Who are we to redefine what the Good Lord so clearly laid out for us in Scripture? If Jack was good enough for Jesus, why isn’t he good enough for you, lefties?!?!?!? If Christ himself endowed our POTUS, or Prophet of the United States, Donald JOHN Trump with such a holy middle name, who do you think you are? We warned that same-sex marriage would be a slippery slope and look at the moral depravity that we have been brought to! I weep for the soul of our nation and pray for a day when male pumpkins are no longer persecuted.
Written by Bradford Douglas, Contributor