Dear Amy,
I was so ready for Halloween this year. My girlfriend and I bought our Halloween couples costume weeks ago and I was super excited to show all of our friends just how cute we are. The problem? My girlfriend is now my ex. Any advice on what to do with one half of an Oreo™ cookie couples costume?
Sincerely,
Completely Clueless Cookie
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Dear “Completely Clueless Cookie,”
Obligatory sentence reminding you that a humor magazine is the third worst place to get good advice, right behind the sad drunk at the party and your racist uncle. Second thing’s second, I’m going to need a little more information from you. How big is the costume? Does it have the Oreo™ Logo on it? Are you the half with crème? I’m going to try my best to help you, but without this vital information, all bets are off.
1. Rebrand yourself. There are so many wonderful circular objects in the world, and your costume could be any one of them! From a brown Frisbee TM to an unaffiliated chocolate cookie. You could even be the left iris of a fantastical creature! The world of brown circles is yours to claim. For an added extra level of reality, you could go as Pluto: the loneliest (non)planet in the sky.
2. Make it art. Do you have scissors, tape, and the desperate type of creativity that would lead you to write into a satirical publication for real life advice? Then it’s time to get crafty. Add a line down the middle of the circle and other smaller dots on each half to become an incredibly spooky dead lady bug. Cut out the middle of the circle and paint it red to transform into that weird, useless emoji. You know, the one that everyone thinks is cute and original to use in their very cute and original “G⭕ Bucks” posts on Instagram.
3. Throw it away. Put your tragically linked cookie cutter costume in the trash and never look back. If Janet doesn’t want to be in an ultimately pointless relationship with you, then you need to trash her stupid cardboard like she trashed your stupid heart. Instead, go as something more on theme: the ghost of your relationship. You’ll need runny eyeliner, puffy red eyes, and a warm comfy blanket to hide under. All of this I assume you already have.
Well “Clueless,” I hope this helps. And if not, Amazon prime should be able to get you some basic devil or nurse costume in the next few days.
Best Wishes,
An anonymous Sundial member whose name definitely won’t be in the byline
Written by Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Writer