The dead aren’t the only things rising this fall at OSU.
The students taking “Advanced Human Anatomy for Undergraduates” were in for a big surprise when a UPO (Unidentified Phallic Object) was spotted inside the classroom. After this mysterious entity was soon discovered to be an erection, students were unsure of how to react:
“I really like Anatomy,” said fourth-year student Olivia Taylor, “but I didn’t think anyone could like Anatomy that much.”
Dick Woodcock, who has been at OSU for three years now, has long had difficulty concealing his passion for human anatomy. Ever since he was diagnosed with “Anatophilia” at the age of seven—when his teachers had complained to Mr. and Mrs. Woodcock about “Little Dicky” humping the skeleton display at the local museum—Dick has struggled endlessly with his “erectile disfunction” (or lack thereof).
“I remember always dreading the school science fair when I was younger,” Dick says, “it was like an elementary school strip-show.”
Fortunately, Dick has been able to devise many coping mechanisms for his unique disorder.
“Usually when I start thinking about femurs or ligaments, I imagine if they belonged to someone who wasn’t just a diagram, and then my penis starts to calm down a bit.” But one day, during an especially arousing lesson on “Bone Tissue and the Skeletal System”, Dick started experiencing extreme genital stimulation. There was nothing he could do to stop it.
“When I first saw it,” said third-year student Bradley Spencer, “I was like, ‘Whatever, every guy gets a random boner now and then’; but then, when I saw it had two heads, I was like ‘What the fuck?’”
Needless to say, Dick’s accident made a very big mess.
Thankfully, the traumatized students are reported to have recovered from this terrible incident, and Dick Woodcock is expected to return to Anatomy 3300 this week.
“I guess it probably wasn’t the best idea to become a Professor of Anatomy given my condition,” says Dick, “but I think what’s most important is to do what you love, no matter how hard you get while doing it.”
Written by Nate Cauliflower, Contributor