I’m pretty sure I’m going to screw over my friend. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I dunno it just feels like something I would do? He’s a nice enough guy, and I guess we’re pretty tight but he’s always pontificating and being cryptic as heck. Look I’m not perfect, I’ve got some gambling debts, I don’t put silver in that blind beggar’s cup when I pass, occasionally I embezzle from charity, and I once stole water from a thirsty camel. However, some pretty shady characters offered me a lot of money to screw this guy over and I could really use the money. I definitely need to patch my roof before the rainy season, and my loan shark is about to start throwing stones if I don’t pay him back.
My buddy’s got such a way with words, I bet he could get out of the situation. I’m not even sure why so many people want to see this guy get busted, it feels really political. It’s not like I went looking for this opportunity, I was just sitting in a garden minding my own sweet business when out of the blue these guys offered me literal bags of money to do them one smallish favor. My buddy is always telling us that everything happens for a reason, so I think I’m going to go for it and make this money. I’m on my way to a dinner party with him and the gang right now, it’s going to get awkward. He’s got some really loyal friends in this group. If they find out I messed with our guy I’m going to get the shit beat out of me, I might even lose a limb or extremity.
Peter’s greeting everyone at the door, he’s such a kiss ass. “good evening Judas, blessed be! Thank you for coming brother” he said. Ugh here we go, this’ll be the longest evening of my life. “Hi Peter! I brought some water. I would have sprung for wine, but I thought, hey what’s the point you know?” I said. He doesn’t need to know that I stole this water from a thirsty camel, there’s going to be enough surprises tonight. “Ha! Yes, I suppose we’ll always have enough wine. You can set that over there by Simon” he said. Simon was making chit chat with John by the other water jugs, I can only imagine the agonizing fishing conversation John’s enduring. If I have to hear about that damn boat and net one more time, I’m going to betray everyone in this room. “Hi John! Hey there Simon, lovely day isn’t it?” I said. “Hey Judas, I was just telling John it’s going to be perfect fishing weather tomorrow morn’ if you want to join our boat” Simon said. I would actually rather starve to death than fish with any one of these dudes. “Oh, I can’t tomorrow morn buddy, I’m teaching some men in the next village over to fish. Why feed them for a day when I could feed them for a lifetime, you know?” I said. “wow Judas that is really profound, I’m glad you’re reaching out to people!” Simon said. John nodded in agreement, like the follower he is. Peter interrupted the rest of the fish talk “hey I think we’re finding our seats now fellas” he said.
Just then Jesus waltzed in like he always does; late and very gracefully. As we start to find our seats I feel better and better about my decision. “Hey boys why don’t we sit on both sides of the table? Aren’t you at all tired of finding super long fucking tables to rent? Where do we even find these tables?” I said. Laughter erupted, Thomas almost choked on his water wine. “Classic Judas” he said. “I am so glad this is the last supper” I muttered. Peter looked over at me “what was that Judas?” he said. “Nothing, just supper. Love having regular supper with the fellas” I said. We get through the meal alright, Jesus blessed everything which was new and different. Right when we’re all getting full and a little drunk, Jesus cleared his throat. “One among you will betray me” he said.
Everyone went batshit crazy. Peter looked like he was going to faint. Bartholomew actually threw up, John threw a chair at the wall. “Surely not I” he said. “Jesus is it me?” Philip said. Oh boy here we go, I better look like I feel a little stronger about this. I pound my fist on the table for dramatic effect. “How could this be! Is it I Jesus?” I said. I’m sweating pretty profusely through this tunic. Jesus gave me a side eye, he totally knows. “woe to the man who betrays the Son of man! It would be better for him if he had not been born” he said. That seems a bit harsh, but I’m going to ride out this situation and see what happens. “Surely Jesus, I could never betray you” I said. Matthew is in the corner crying now, and all the Simons are fighting each other. Thaddeus is trying to wake Peter up, looks like he ended up fainting. Andrew is just spitting in everyone’s wine glasses, and James is screaming at James. Jesus cleared his throat again, everyone tuned back in. “It is the one whom I shall give this piece of bread” he said. “Don’t you youdamn do it, you sonofagod” I muttered. He started to hand it to woozy ol’ Peter, who promptly soiled his tunic. “Just kidding, that’s not till later,” he laughed. Then Jesus threw the bread at me.
Written by Mary McCarthy, Contributor