Our truth-seekers are always on the prowl for more government secrets, and they’ve recently turned up with an undercover audio recording that shows President Trump’s dealings with the supernatural. Below is a transcript of Trump admitting to shady actions:

(Sarah Huckabee and Donald Trump are discussing policy)

HUCKABEE: Mr. President, the Press Conference starts in an hour. What do I tell everyone?

TRUMP: What were you thinking of telling them?

HUCKABEE: I was going to spend those two hours going on about how you’ve brought jobs bac-

TRUMP: Don’t say that. It’s my greatest failure as President.

HUCKABEE: I don’t believe so, Mr. President. Unemployment is at a record low.

TRUMP: I didn’t bring back Jobs.

HUCKABEE: I don’t follow.

TRUMP: Steve Jobs. He’s not back yet.

HUCKABEE: What do you mea-

TRUMP: I flew in Buddha from the Himalayas in order to negotiate bringing him back to life, because I heard Steve Jobs was Buddhist.

HUCKABEE: But the Buddha isn’t- Wait, do you mean the Dalai Lama?

TRUMP: No, I mean Buddha. But when I flew him over, he did try to convince me he was just a Dalai Lama. But I’ve been around. I’ve seen llamas before, and this was no llama. He had to be Buddha. So I asked him to bring Jobs back, but he said he “already has been reborn as a Cheeto-fingered seven-year-old trying to become the next big Fortnite streamer,” or something
like that. So I said, “Ok, how about I sweeten the deal?” I offered him so much: my money, my house, a nomination on the Supreme Court, but he said no to all of it! It was like this guy wanted nothing!

HUCKABEE: Is that all? Because that’s not bad.

TRUMP: No it isn’t. Now I’m afraid my entire Cabinet is manipulating me.

HUCKABEE: Are you sure? Because that is a serious concern we need to investigate.

TRUMP: Yes, I’m sure. Whenever Congress brings a bill to me, all my advisors tell me to sign it because it will bring Jobs back. Well, I’ve signed every fucking bill, and Steve is still dead!

HUCKABEE: Why is bringing Steve Jobs back such an important goal? Nobody expects you to do that.

TRUMP: Of course they expect me to do that! I told everyone I
would!

HUCKABEE: No, you told people you’d bring back employme-

TRUMP: Besides, I always thought Tim Cook was taking Apple in the wrong direction. He’s not putting enough focus on creating new products like Steve Jobs used to. I think continuing that innovation would be more beneficial to Apple, and it seems clear that only Steve Jobs would be capable of that.

HUCKABEE: So you’re trying to bring him back from the dead?

TRUMP: Yes.

(A long pause)

HUCKABEE: I can’t tell them that.

TRUMP: No, you can’t. History will remember me as a failure if you do.

HUCKABEE: Well, I guess I’m just going to have to call all the reporters idiots, then.

TRUMP: Smart move, you sure know best. Go show those dumbfuck degenerates who’s boss.

(Audio Ends)

Written by Zach Levy, Staff Writer