In a new advertising campaign, The Coca-Cola Company is promoting a carbonated soft drink that it claims is a reinvention of its old recipe with the inclusion of a specific ingredient: cocaine. “We’re going back to our roots with this new product: Cocaine-Cola!” said CEO James Quincey in a conference, referring to the time in which cocaine was used in varying amounts in Coca-Cola instead of caffeine, as is used today. “Stimulating people’s happiness and infusing a new vibrance into the culture is really a high priority for us. We think a return to cocaine instead of caffeine is really what this country needs right now as we look toward a bright, energetic future.
“So, basically, we’re going back to just putting drugs in carbonated water and making what would have basically amounted to alchemy during medieval times. We’re making Coke coke again!”
Cocaine was a common ingredient, along with sugar and phosphoric acid, in the soft drink until public opinion turned against cocaine in the 1920s. After that, the stimulant was used in trace amounts, gradually supplanted over the years by caffeine—until now.
“Trump’s been loosening regulation like an overactive junkie, so we thought, ‘why not follow the theme and reintroduce cocaine to the general populace?’” mused Quincey. “Drugs tend to have relatively inelastic market demand—legal or illegal—so if we jack prices up, complaints won’t affect our revenue. We increase our profit, our customers get hooked on a stimulant, everybody’s happy, more or less!”
At press time, Coca-Cola employees were seen handing out Cocaine-Cola to seated reporters, with varying positive and negative reactions. Said Quincey, “Yeah, so caffeine might not be the only thing we can re-replace with cocaine. The sugar can go: cocaine can accomplish that. We can already replicate carbonation with a new chemical we invented called cocaine dioxide. I wasn’t kidding when I said we were doing alchemy.”
The CEO paused for a moment to shrug. “Actually putting drugs in soft drinks is, like, uber illegal, but…who’s gonna stop us, honestly? The government? Facebook has done all kinds of dystopian shit and Zuckerberg’s barely gotten a slap on the wrist from Congress; Quaker Oats once fed radioactive oatmeal to disabled children and still exists as a company. At least we’re being relatively frank about our criminality. I think the most significant opposition we’ll face is from drug cartels, which’ll see us as resurgent competition from outside of the black market.
“Anyway, I’ll leave you with this: the slogan for our new product!” Quincey announced with grandiose hand gestures, pupils enlarged and a bit jittery himself. “‘Weed is wack, and so is crack (cocaine). Try some crack and never go back!’ With that, this press conference is over. No questions. Happy addicting—I mean drinking!”
Written by Pete Muzawla, Staff Writer