COLUMBUS, OHIO — After a local little league team’s astounding comeback in the 9th inning of the Small Fry Championship Finals last Saturday, they celebrated in the way they thought anyone else would. With three simple words, those scrappy little 8-9 year-olds manufactured a scale model of war — the war on piss.
“Those kids show no concern for the gravity of their words,” lamented Donny Richter, the parent of a child on the losing team; an obvious conflict of interest. “They shouldn’t even be talking about that kind of stuff. I-It’s appalling at such a young age to be speaking so explicitly about those things. And on top of that, claiming to ‘be #1’? I’m physically disgusted by it.” Richter then began to retch, attempting to make himself vomit, and, after failing to do so, pointed at the ground as if he had indeed ralphed, shouting, “Look at that! They made me do it! Those kids did this to me! Look at that! Report that, you pierogi-brained journalist!”
“Those kids,” members of the Yellow Lightning baseball team, had begun to chant about their impressive win immediately after it occurred. The chant in question, “We’re #1”, deemed offensive by some, appeared to refer to the team’s new status as the 1st place winner of the championship. According to 3rd grader Jimmy Vega, the team’s star pitcher and appointed spokesperson, the team was “not aware of the potentially offensive or urinary nature of the chant.” They merely wished to express “joy and accomplishment for [their] own The Sandlot-esque baseball journey” and apologized for any pain they may have caused with their choice of phrase.
Despite this apology, a group of staunch anti-piss parents and community members, led by Donny Richter, are currently organizing to kick the Yellow Lightning out of the league. When asked about the ultimate goal of the group, Richter emphasized “We want them gone — outta here. If they want to keep playing ball, they can go make a pee league of their own.”
Written by Francesca Varga, Social Media Officer