Local Columbus stand-up comic Martin Massey is being lauded as a hero after the EPA’s release of their annual climate report. The report, published yesterday, definitively concluded that climate change has halted as a result of Massey’s continuous use of out-dated bits. “Looks like we were wrong and individual action does work,” said climate scientist Edmond Crane, despondently shredding what appeared to be decades worth of climate research. “Martin’s commitment to reusing old material sure is something to be praised. Turns out, the 100 companies generating 70% of all emissions were no match for the joke recycling efforts of one bad comedian.” At press time, Massey was overheard at an open mic beginning his 50th attempt at telling a vintage, sustainably-sourced airline food joke.
Written by Francesca Varga, Secretary