A gentle breeze blows through the air. The memory of idle chit-chat lingers in the hallways, months after the dorms became quieter. The soft footsteps of students drum against the street, scraping against social distancing stickers that say “Together as Buckeyes”. But freshman Donnie Nicholson has been isolated from the world around him, on top of the 6ft of physical distance students must maintain at all times.
“Ever since I got my positive test, I got thrown into Houck House. I had no idea it would be this shitty” Explained Donnie, who could still smell whatever it was the previous students had spilled here almost a year ago. “I just showed up, I wanted to make friends since I was the only one from my high school who went here, and I must have done too much,” said Donnie, who literally just went to class. “It kind of sucks, because now there’s nobody I can really see and I feel my coughs worsen every day.”
“Well, there’s your problem, dumbass!” Provost Bruce McPherson exclaimed when Donnie’s situation was brought up as an example of how maintaining in-person courses in any capacity will still lead to a spike in COVID cases. “You went outside and talked to people, you fucking idiot! You may as well have let the entire lecture hall spit in your mouth!” Provost McPherson did not seem to give any thought about how what he just said might have been relevant to the discussion. “Why, if you keep acting so reckless, you might get too sick to come here. And if you can’t go to campus, how will we get money for housing?”
At press time, Donnie can be heard softly crying from his new room in a way Provost McPherson describes as “kinda sad, but it’s still totally his fault”. This semester has been a true mixed bag, bringing some to the lowest points of their lives, while bringing certain university staff members large 28-karat gold Block Os to hang over the speakers they use to drown out any evidence they made a bad call in resuming in-person operations.
Written by Zach Levy, Vice President