COLUMBUS, OH—Multiple sources have confirmed that after months of intense decision-making and planning, 9 year-old Jimmy Owens, the weird kid on 14th Avenue, will be dressed as a mailbox for this year’s Halloween festivities. “I can’t believe he’s doing it again,” said neighbor Bradley Johnson, placing a weather-worn “No Candy for Mailboxes” sign outside of his door. “What kind of dork do you have to be to dress as a mailbox for Halloween? It’s not scary, it’s not funny, it’s not in the spirit of All Hallow’s Eve, it’s fucking stupid!” Johnson, in full Jar Jar Binks costume, was last seen confronting Owens bellowing, “Yousa rat BAStard!”
Written by Francesca Varga, Secretary