Well, you’re on the road again. Tunes are blasting, tires are rolling, and your buddies’ loud storytelling is ringing through the air. But these funky fresh vibes can’t last forever, and when boredom strikes on the open road, who knows what can happen? When the excitement dies, can you make sure your friends don’t do the same?

1. You’ve been on the road for hours, and the destination is still days away. All of a sudden, your boy Brad pipes up that he has to use the bathroom. Do you:

  1. Pull over and let him pee on the side of the road. It’ll take a bit but at least the car won’t smell bad.
  2. Wordlessly hand him a bottle. We have to keep our pace up somehow.
  3. Tell him to hold it. Everyone will need full bladders when you get there.

2. The car has been experiencing a lull in conversation, when Jaren, unsure if we can make it before the weekend, utters a discouraging word. What do you do?

  1. Say “Don’t worry, we’ll get there” and speed up a bit.
  2. Outline your itinerary and point out that we’re right on schedule.
  3. Kick him out and let whatever hellspawn lives here pick at his pessimistic carcass.

3. After spotting a gas station, you noticed you’re low on gas and decided to stop for a quick refill. While refilling, your buddies want to stretch their legs for a bit. Do you say:

  1. “Sure thing! You should also get a snack if you want one.”
  2. “No lollygagging. If we don’t make it by Saturday the trip will be fucked.”
  3. “You may as well take in the scenery one last time. Bahamut, the great world-killer, will likely destroy this place once we leave.”

4. You’ve been on the road for so long, your road trip playlist has looped back to the beginning again! Will you:

  1. Find a different playlist to play. The show must go on!
  2. Spend the next few hours curating a new playlist in silence. Hey, it’s something to do.
  3. Instruct the crew to turn their ears to hell and bask in the screams of the damned.

5. You’ve been going fast for a while when you look behind you and see you’re being tailed by a cop with their sirens on! Are you about to:

  1. Tell your buddies to hide whatever illegal stuff they have, then pull over.
  2. Pull over with no warning and assume you can deal with whatever ticket he gives you.
  3. Chant the proper incantations and open a great pit that swallows you both.

 

Now that you’ve gotten your answers, it’s time to see your results!

If you answered mostly As: You made it in record time! Not only did you all make it alive, but you and your buddies had a blast! You also got picked to be the driver for the next big trip!

If you answered mostly Bs: Technically, you guys survived the trip. Unfortunately, you were such a dick about everything that all your buddies went back without you, so now you’re stuck at the destination.

If you answered mostly Cs: What the fuck were you thinking man? Not only did you get you and all your friends murdered by demons, you also ruined a perfectly good road trip so you could be edgy. Hope being all cool and dark was worth it, kid. 

Written by Zach Levy, Vice President