We’ve all been there. You spilled spaghetti on yourself while having a thanks-for-taking-care-of-my-jellyfish-sting dinner at your cousin’s house. Now your hair is a skunk-proof tomato flavored mess and reeks of garlic so bad that your vampire neighbors would give you a dirty look. And on top of that, you have to figure out how to use your cousin’s shower before your nephew mistakes you for seconds.
You’d think that this would be an easy task. You’d think that showers all have a standard shape. You’d think that the water would come out the same way. You’d think the faucets would all look about the same. You’d think they’d be large enough for anyone to fit in.
But you’d be WRONG.
The Shower-Industrial-Complex thrives on antagonizing the washing class. By making every shower different, it takes ages to figure out how to use one. Time is money. Each second it takes to learn how to clean oneself is another thousand dollars down the drain and into the pipelines of Big Water.
At first, Showers were only a tad different. The knob turns the other way. The water came out in a couple of streams instead of one. The plug comes out or pops open.
But now, under everyone’s noses, Big Water changed the game. We gave them an inch, and they took 27 standardized hopscotch-lengths.
Now, shower curtains lock? The shower has a set timer for how long water will come out? The space is so small that you can’t turn around…so the walls turn for you?
Ladies and Gentlemen. This has gone too far. We can’t let the shower industry control us any longer.
Let the Shower-Industrial-Complex tremble at a bathing revolution! The washing class has nothing to lose but their drains. Washers of the world, unite!
You know what we must do. Pray that we are strong enough to do it.
– Lou Fatone
Written by Idris Malik, Social Media Officer