Dozens of students enrolled in Classics 1101 have been demanding refunds since class started this semester, claiming that they were put in a class with a fraudulent professor. “I thought he was the real deal when he was giving us slides about Agamemnon’s major character flaws,” recalled one student during a live protest demanding University action on the incident. “But when class ended and he turned off his share, we all saw what he looked like, we all were appalled to see he wasn’t wearing a tweed jacket! There wasn’t even a beige elbow patch! There’s no way that man spent his life studying classics.”
Students described the supposed professor Hank Peterson’s appearance as “neither old nor kindly” and several noted that he was not even smoking a pipe, a known behavior for anybody who has studied literature for more than 5 years. University officials, very aware of the physical signs of studying classics, took note of the students’ complaints and held a hearing against Hank Peterson this past week.
“Okay, I admit it, I’m not actually a professor,” Hank admitted, through tears in the 5th hour of proceedings. “I just read a few books and I thought it was really fun. I wanted to talk about them to other people, but none of my friends are into this stuff. So yeah, I pretended to be a professor, what else could I do? I would have gotten away with it, too, if I had just gotten my hands on a tweed jacket.”
President Kristina Johnson made it clear that Ohio State takes cases of fraud like this very seriously. President Kristina Johnson stated that Hank Peterson will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, adding “I want that motherfucker euthanized” in her weekly email to all students and faculty.
Written by Zach Levy, Vice President