Reporting live from The Ohio State University, this is new reporter Julian from The Sundial. This Saturday was different for the fans of Buckeye Nation. Right before the game against Arkansas State kicked off, Brutus rushed the field and surprised everyone by revealing that he is now a cashew. As expected, mass hysteria ensued.
Nobody knows why Brutus Buckeye, sorry, Brutus Cashew, is now a cashew. He just kind of showed up with a new head shape. No explanation or anything. I guess this is just who he is now. He still did all of the classic Brutus antics, the high fives, the head punches, the flips, etc. but something just felt off about all of his actions. Not only did this affect the morality of the Buckeyes, now the Cashews, on the field, but it also had adverse effects on the health of the athletes. A cheerleader had to be carried out on a stretcher due to anaphylactic shock caused by a high-five with The Ohio State Mascot.
Because of possible safety issues, President Kristina Johnson has decided to pull Brutus Cashew from all future sporting events and will not be making any public appearances until further notice. Protestors have started to amass outside of Johnson’s office because of this decision. “We don’t really care what type of nut Brutus is, we just want to see him do his funny head punch and support our team” says a protestor.
There were also counter-protestors present at the scene with one saying “I wholeheartedly agree with President Johnson’s decision. Do you know how embarrassing it was to be a Buckeye? A cashew is an even more disgraceful nut. We need to keep him off the field until we find out the reason behind this sudden change and how we can get him back as a Buckeye.” Brutus’ camp has not yet released an official statement on the matter yet but The Sundial will keep you updated when the news breaks.
UPDATE: Brutus Cashew has released a press statement about his decision. Read it below:
Official Statement from the Offices of Brutus Buckeye Cashew:
Dear Buckeye Nation,
I am well aware that some of you may be upset with the sudden change. Since 1965, I have been supporting and cheering for everyone on this campus. I now humbly ask that you do the same for me. Times change and so do people. I now feel as if the label Buckeye does not accurately describe me anymore. My parents have always wanted me to be a Buckeye. Ever since I came out of the sapling, my parents raised me to be the greatest Buckeye ever. I never was given the opportunity to truly explore fields that I was interested in. My whole life has been dedicated to everyone on this campus and our pool of alumni. Now being 57, I feel this is an appropriate time to reflect on my past and make improvements towards the future, starting with rebranding as a Cashew, no longer associating with the Buckeye title. I do not know if this will be a permanent change, but I ask for your support as my camp and I work things out. Please respect my privacy during these pivotal moments in my life.
With love,
Brutus Cashew
Written by Julian R, Contributor