So, you have a new plant that you decided to try and keep alive. Maybe it’s one of those succulents from the Involvement Fair at The Oval that some Catholics gave you. Or maybe you started a garden and you really want to help it grow to its full potential (pun intended). Like any significant relationship, you and your plant may not work out if you don’t share a common faith. So, here are a few surefire ways to converse with your plant about what you believe in.
- Start an open and honest dialogue
- Even though your plant probably won’t speak, it’s always a good idea to make sure they feel comfortable asking for clarifications or injecting their own thoughts at any point.
- Make an effort to compromise
- Even though your plant probably won’t speak, you should be willing to read body language to see where you and your plant can find a belief system you can both get behind and thrive in.
- Set firm personal boundaries
- For Example: Maybe you won’t compromise on which tax-exempt place of worship you will dump disposable income in. Or the fact that you’ll now live with 10+ like-minded roommates. That’s fine, as long as you don’t forcibly smother your plant with tinsel and lights.
- Ease into the part about eternal hellfire (if applicable)
- Not every religion involves being sent to a realm of fire, pain, and eternal suffering, but if yours does, don’t lead with that!
- Clearly delineate the terms of the blood ritual
- From which area will the blood be drained? In what part of the soil shall it be dripped? Which primordial phrase will you chant as the sweet sanguine life nectar falls from your luscious veins into their thirsty roots?
- Celebrate!!
You just had a difficult and emotionally draining heart-to-Phloem-tissue. Remember to care for yourself and your plant so that you both feel great. If you’re feeling extra religious, pick your new religion’s least favorite group, and vehemently and relentlessly antagonize them. It’s definitely what your holy entity would do in your situation.
Written by Idris Malik, President