COLUMBUS, Ohio – For decades, the American public has been obsessed with a monumental question: is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe? And if so, did they build the pyramids? The question has finally been answered (the first one, at least) – and the definitive proof was discovered right here on campus.

Last weekend, members of Ohio State’s Astronomical Society were hosting one of their Star Parties on the roof of Smith Laboratory when numerous unidentified flying objects were seen rising into the sky. Although the UFOs were accelerating too rapidly for the students to get a closer look through their telescopes, several were able to capture photos and videos on their smartphones. Although pixelated (sadly, they were using Androids), their footage has been verified by Sundial staff and other experts. 

“The footage is undoubtedly genuine,” says Dr. Wayne Schlingman, Director of OSU’s Arne Slettebak Planetarium and advisor for the Astronomical Society. “This is the evidence that proves extraterrestrial life is real, and has visited our planet!” 

We asked Dr. Schlingman why aliens would want to visit Ohio State, to which he replied, “Oh, there could be any number of reasons. Maybe they’re in town for the game this weekend. Or maybe they enrolled in classes but got the start-of-semester date wrong; it’s been known to happen, especially with international students.”

“It’s such an exhilarating discovery,” said Astronomical Society President Natalie Portman. “I’m so thrilled that our club is at the forefront of this scientific breakthrough. Our footage and analysis will soon be published in the academic journal Science; Astro Society students took all the photos and wrote the entire paper, and Dr. Schlingman will be the sole author. I can’t wait to share our findings with the world.”

Astronomical Society Vice President of Events Harrison Ford was also excited to speak with us. “Now that we know aliens exist, our next step is to invite them back to campus. We’re planning on converting the Oval into a giant message board, with words written in flaming letters: something like, ‘ALIENS WELCOME’ or ‘PLANET EARTH: OPEN 24/7’. Personally, I can’t wait to show them around Columbus.”

 

UPDATE 

After the initial publication of this report, the staff of the Sundial were approached by a group of students who identified themselves as members of the Ohio State Drone Club. They claimed that they had been flying drones at the general time and location where the UFO photographs were taken, and that – to the best of their knowledge – no aliens had been involved. The Sundial reached out to Dr. Schlingman for comment; unfortunately, his reply was too expletive-laden to publish here. 

 

Written by Wally Green, Contributor