COLUMBUS, OH — To help prepare students for living off-campus, the Office of Student Life under their “Oh the Places You’ll Go Off-Campus” program, has released rats into the basements of Mack and Canfield Hall.
“Our goal is to create a space for the self-advocacy necessary to succeed beyond dorm living,” says Dr. Tanisha Jenkins, director of Student Life at Ohio State.
“Also to teach these kids that off-campus housing is just super gross.”
To further model the off-campus experience, maintenance personnel attended a training held by Peak Properties, one of the main property companies offering housing near Ohio State’s campus.
This training included workshops on how to compose automated email responses about being busy and unavailable, the best ways to be uncooperative over the phone, and the art of sending contradictory information.
In addition to this, on-campus maintenance personnel were taught to laugh in the face of students that submit requests for pest control or repairs, and only provide services if students threaten legal action.
“We expect parents to be thrilled with the new initiative,” says Mack/Canfield Hall director Althea Jones-Johnson.
“Who wouldn’t want to pay $3,700 per semester for this kind of opportunity?”
When asked about public health concerns associated with promoting a rodent infestation, the administration assured us that, since rats can’t give you COVID-19, it’s not a concern.
To help further student support, the Office of Student Life has asked resident assistants to help plan floor and building programs to promote this new initiative.
Evan Smith, the Floor 10 Resident Assistant in Mack Hall has decided to show his residents Ratatouille this coming Thursday.
“The hope is that my residents will be less upset about the rats when they see a positive representation in film.”
His idea came from a recent complaint in which a resident found a rat in the vending machine, which maintenance workers played off as the rat’s attempt to become a budding chef.
“Students will be less likely to be upset about the rats when they see positive representation in film. It’s basic psychology,”
“This has to be illegal.” remarked Katie Jones, a Canfield Hall Resident.
Despite some mixed initial reviews, the Office of Student Life assures us that all students will be thanking them for this experience come junior year. In some relieving news, Morrill Tower residents will not be a part of this program, as living there alone is punishment enough.
Written by Sydney Ellis, Contributor