If you find yourself on the Ohio State University campus and mistakenly think you are in an urban warzone in Afghanistan, you are not far off. Ohio State University’s police department was able to get its hands on a Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicle or MRAP for short. This incredibly overpowered and over-armored machine of war can withstand landmines and other insurgents IED’s that have never been used before within 4000 miles of campus.
While the military vehicle is usually used for, well, military situations, a representative from the school’s police department said that Ohio State campus conditions are frequently like a warzone and require an equal, if not escalated, response. Officer Rob Castraz, OSU Police Officer, who wished to remain anonymous, said they did not accept possession of this war vehicle lightly. “We ran this bad boy through several punishing tests to ensure it would withstand the abuse that three to four, drunken 19-year-old men can throw at it.” Officer Castraz described several of the tests, including burning a stack of couches next to it, throwing half-full can of Natty Light (both lemonade and regular,) and seeing if it could run over 20 beer pong tables staged in muddy front yards.
The driving test required for the MRAP is extensive. “Operators are required to take 20 hours of offensive driving classes and be able to navigate around triple parked Amazon trucks that are surrounded by pizza delivery cars.” When asked about the “special” qualifications for drivers, Officer Castraz admitted that all drivers must have smaller-than-average penises so that they overcompensate when driving the 20-ton bad boy. Castraz was pressed if he was “qualified” to drive the MRAP, and he said he was able to cheat the test by soaking in cold water and thinking about Gordon Gee naked.
The MRAP will be used to patrol campus areas where unruly students might be involved in nefarious activities, such as hanging out or congregating in groups of three or more. Officer Castraz said they like to run over cases of confiscated beer and then ask if the students want it back. “If they say no, then we give them a ticket for littering. Gets ‘um every time!” He also said they arrest people for not using all capitals in the word “the” when saying, “The Ohio University.”
During a tour of the vehicle, I was shown the back steps that “are like the Star Trek doors but go up and down instead of side to side,” and the horn which has two modes: normal mode and a second mode where a loud, “O! H!,” is emitted and people around the unsubstantially large vehicle of war yell, “I! O!” Officer Castraz said that they ticket people who do not yell back “I! O!” I was allowed to climb in the vehicle and waited twenty minutes for Officer Castraz to don his tactical gear, armor, boots, and helmet, “in case some shit went down.”
Sadly, no shit went down as we sat in the unmoving vehicle, which we were unable to start, because the 9.3L, 570 cubic inches D9.3I6 I6 330 hp @ 2,100 rpm engine, “drinks diesel fuel like a sorority girl drinks Zima and costs $75 just to turn the engine over.” I did not have the heart to tell Officer Castraz that they stopped making Zima in 2018, so instead we sat in the unmoving faux tank while the officer made gun-shooting noises. The Ohio State University Police Department hopes to have twenty more of the unnecessary combative vehicles donated to the university.
Written by Fake Dispatch, Guest Writer
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