EAST CAMPUS — A local beer die table is seemingly on its last leg. After years of use and neglect, this table, which has hosted a variety of overcomplicated drinking games, seems to have its eyes set on retirement. We reached out to members of the house the table belongs to, who claim they are an annex of Rho Omicron Omicron Rho fraternity. The boys had a lot of positive things to say about the table’s career at the house both during and after their time living here. Brother Tanner Smith says “I’ve been here a few years now. I know one of the fellas who half-assedly assembled this thing and it’s kind of a miracle it didn’t immediately fall apart.”
After a close inspection of the table, it appears that the structural integrity is on par with what you would expect from furniture built by people who have never used a tool in their lives. “It was a real pain in the ass,” says brother alum Mike Hunt. “I’ve never done anything like this before, and my parents live several hours away so I couldn’t really ask them to do it for me. Once we got a squad together to figure it out, shit was on point.”
While the boys plan on continuing to use the table, its final plans are unknown. “We’ve thought a lot about how we want this table to go out,” says current brother Dixon Cider. “We don’t wanna just throw it in the trash. We’ve thought maybe a bonfire on a Wednesday afternoon would be a good idea, or even using some parts to build another since lumber is so expensive right now. Ultimately, we’re probably just gonna rip it apart and throw most of it in the alley behind the house for people to drive over and puncture their tires on.”
Written by Michael Figueroa, Contributor