If you’re like most Americans, waking up is a challenge. The urge to hit the snooze button keeps many asleep for too long and poses problems in both their personal and professional life. But, there is a solution! What gets a person up like nothing else? Fear for the well-being of themselves and others. Introducing False Alarm: the easy way to emerge from blissful unconsciousness into the frightening and depressing reality we call life.
Every day, False Alarm will announce an emergency to wake you up (your kid is in trouble, your parents are dying, Let’s Make a Deal is going off the air). You won’t know if the emergency is real or not until you turn off the alarm. With your adrenaline racing, you won’t be able to fall back to sleep! The perfect way to start the day!
I tried this product for one week in preparation for writing this article. And every time I got the wake-up call from a False Alarm representative, my heart stopped, my blood froze in my veins, and diarrhea leaked from my underpants onto my bedsheets. If the cold sweats and arrhythmia weren’t enough to get me up, the smell of my own shit made me muster the courage to start the day. What a great device!
Even though I loved the product, I wasn’t sure if I was biased—in times past, some of my recommendations have caused lawsuits and extreme injuries (e.g. I raved about a flamethrower for children and now the Phillips boy from Upper Arlington is getting half my paycheck for the rest of my life). So, I gifted False Alarm to my new neighbors who bought the mansion across the street, Almasi and Barasa Mwangi. They have two newborns that are always keeping them up at wee hours of the morning. And with both of them working double shifts at Cracker Barrel to make ends meet, getting up in the morning is often delayed. So much so that Cracker Barrel is cracking down on how many times they both show up late to work. “One more time,” Ms. Boss said, “and y’all are fired,” forcing them to give up their mansion and move to the slums. So, with a mixture of hope and fear, I gave Barasa and Almasi False Alarm and helped them fill out the questionnaire that customizes the emergencies to their own insecurities and worst nightmares! However, I didn’t tell them that the alarm was going to give them fake disasters to wake up to. I wanted to know what an unbiased opinion looked like. The plan was set; the work was done. Now it was time for False Alarm to do its magic.
Three days later, Almasi and Barasa came back to me. They told me that the product was “stupid” and “useless.” The first day, it worked like a charm. They got up frightened, believing their home village had burned down. But, after the alarm was revealed to be false, they ignored the cries for help in the subsequent days. My ego shattered, I lashed out at the Mwangis, calling them heartless. They said they never wanted to speak to me again. I told them that I was their goddamn neighbor, so they better speak to me again. Long story short, False Alarm didn’t work for their unimaginative minds, and Cracker Barrel noticed. Almasi and Barasa were fired two days later (rightfully, so). Without the pay from Cracker Barrel, Almasi and Barasa were forced to sell their mansion (awww, boo-hoo!). Don’t end up like Almasi and Barasa. End up like me, getting up in the morning at an early time but shitting my bed (you take the good with the bad).
I’d recommend False Alarm to anyone who wants to improve and has an ounce of decency and humility. Without those, and a little imagination, you won’t believe the crises that blare from your magical alarm clock. False Alarm changed my life, and—if you’re cool—it can change yours too!
Written by Josh Ostroff, Contributor