In the early hours of September 19, an OSU student took fate into his own hands by having intimate relations with one of the many trees on campus. This tree, however, was special. Some holy power, which I would only speculate as God Himself, bestowed upon this timber a pocket of bark so perfect it engendered all in its presence to dust.

And after a cold night and a warm morning, the sap was aflowing. Let’s just say, on that fateful September morning, the tree wasn’t the only thing with hardwood. Anyway, many people are mad, rightfully so, and want answers. Who is this man? Why did he post a confession to Reddit? How did he not get splinters? All burning questions that I have no answers to.

But, why are we even saying this is necessarily wrong? I hate public indecency as much as the next guy, but who doesn’t like nature? Ever since I was a kid, I loved to play in the grass. To feel the ground absorb me. To rip up the blades and throw them to the sky, and feel them fall on my face with glee. Shouldn’t that be normal for us adults, without fear of kink-shamers?

We would never dare stop a child from enjoying a flower or bug. So, why are we stopping this man? Well, some may say that the privacy of his home is where he should have sex with trees. TREES GROW OUTDOORS, you should know that. “He could plant a tree in his backyard.” But there are no guarantees the tree will grow a vagina. “Well you can carve one!” It’s not the same…you just don’t get it.

A trussy must be formed by mother nature, not by a simple blade. As I have learned from my friend with a tree fetish, a one-in-a-million trussy must be acted upon, no matter the consequences. Some things in life are just too precious to miss out on. Wasn’t it James Joyce who said that life is just a collection of a few special moments? Joyce may not have been talking about tree sex, we don’t know, but it still applies.

For that man, that moment of making love to the fibers of that tree’s wood was a moment that he will forever look back on with pride. How could we possibly deprive him of that? Hate him, prosecute him, jail him, but in the process, just try, for a split second, to understand him.

Written by Perry Bluebawlls, Contributor