As we are being welcomed back from break, Kristina Johnson is taking a permanent one.
On Monday, November 28th, Ohio State University President, Kristina M Johnson, officially announced her resignation in an email to the student body.
Rumors have been swirling about the potential reasons for her swift departure.
To set the record straight, The Sundial has uncovered an incident from earlier this semester that presents strong evidence for why the board ousted Johnson so quickly.
On September 13th, 2022, Johnson was reportedly seen punching a youth climate activist protesting on campus. A student witness, who chose to remain anonymous, told our reporters that Johnson “…decked the kid harder than Michigan decked our football team.”
Known associate of RuPaul, this behavior from Johnson seems to be motivated by her climate-denier stance. One activist reports that Johnson continued to yell expletives at the student post-punch, even saying, “Fuck you and fuck the turtles, let me chase my bag!”
Ohio State University endowment manager Dick Oil Jr, in an official statement, said that while the university condemns Johnson’s violent outburst, they “…support her, and tbh would do the same if I saw those damn snowflakes. They claim the snowflakes are melting, but I see a hell of a lot of them right now.”
This incident happened amidst rumors that the university plans to increase fossil fuel investments by over ten million dollars.
While many students wished the funds would go towards air-conditioning Baker Residence Halls or investing in Student Mental Health services, the University claims that it was either “…that or the football team. This is the lesser of two evils if you ask us.”
The board of trustees assured reporters that the search for Johnson’s replacement will begin promptly, and assured us that the president position will be filled by the most unlikeable person ever.
Written by Reilly Ackerman, Contributor