Earlier this week the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that the 2024 Summer Olympics would be held on Ohio State’s Columbus campus. The 2024 games were originally planned to be held in Paris, but the IOC later decided that Columbus would be a more “glamorous” and “beautiful” host city.
“This is such an honor for our university,” declared Interim President Jim Tressel.
“Of course, I’m not surprised the IOC chose Ohio State to be the first-ever school to host the Olympics; what other options were there? Imagine if they’d chosen the University of Michigan instead. Ew – it makes me sick just thinking about it. No one would show up, they’d have to cancel the entire event.” Although he was reluctant to release too many details, President Tressel did share the University’s plans to hold the Track and Field portion of the games in the RPAC’s Cardio Canyon.
“For the first time ever, the Running event will be held indoors,” he said. “We plan to have the contestants run on treadmills; this will make it easier to film and broadcast. It’ll also provide the opportunity for the contestants to record and post TikToks as they are actively competing. You see, this is the kind of innovative and creative thinking Ohio State is famous for!”
The swimming portion of the Olympic Games will be held at Mirror Lake, revealed Athletic Director Gene Smith. “Olympic pools are 50 meters long, but Mirror Lake is nowhere near that wide,” Smith told us. “To solve this, we’ve decided that the competition will be held vertically: contestants will swim 50 meters down to the bottom of the lake, and then back up to the surface.”
Finally, the IOC revealed the creation of a new Olympic sport — Grubhub food robot races. “This is a highly-requested event,” Director Smith confided. “Students want to know which food robot is fastest: the current ones or the old ones? We’ve managed to wrangle a temporary extradition treaty to bring back the old Russian robots for the race, after which they’ll be sent back to the Gulag.”
However, the old Russian robots are already causing controversy. The IOC is currently investigating reports of doping, after several eyewitnesses saw NOS being injected into the rovers’ fuel systems. It remains to be seen whether or not the event will go forward as planned or if the Russians will be disqualified from yet another Olympic event.
Tickets for the Olympic games will be available for purchase beginning next month. A standard ticket will cost about as much as your tuition, with VIP tickets costing approximately the dollar equivalent of your soul. Customers who present a valid BuckID will be eligible for a twenty buck discount.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer