Earlier this week, Ohio State Campus Police announced they had raided the headquarters of student newspaper The Lantern. In a prepared statement they revealed that an anonymous tip prompted the raid, which resulted in the arrests of several Lantern staff and the confiscation of what witnesses describe as “boxes and boxes” of material evidence.
The anonymous tip – which may or may not have originated from the offices of The Sundial – was originally reported to Campus Police Officer Paul Blart last Monday at noon. Officer Blart and his team immediately headed to The Lantern’s headquarters; they arrived on their Lime scooters at around two, having first made a detour to Buckeye Donuts on “confidential police business”, which they would not elaborate on. Upon arrival the officers were shocked to discover a large number of underage child workers.
“They tried telling us it was ‘Bring Your Kids to Work Day’,” Officer Blart shared. “But when we saw a two-year old typing up an editorial, we knew they were running a sweatshop.”
The child workers were immediately arrested, along with The Lantern’s Editor-In-Chief Harold Smith. In addition to violating child labor laws, Smith will be charged with spreading slanderous and defamatory speech, as evidenced by The Lantern’s publication of pro-Michigan propaganda. Smith faces up to two consecutive life sentences in a maximum-detention prison.
“It sickens me how these people can spread misinformation so easily,” Officer Blart vented angrily. “The Lantern has always had a reputation for printing ‘fake news’ – that’s why I never read it. The only news source I trust is The Sundial. I would like to thank you folks for doing such a fine job all these years – you’re doing God’s work.”
President Kristina M. Johnson was quick to respond to the events. In a press conference she remarked, “The University will do everything it can to assist Campus Police in their investigation. In the meantime we’ve begun our own line of inquiry, beginning with a large-scale effort to shred various unimportant documents and tax forms. We’ll let you know once we learn more.”
This is an ongoing story and will be updated as the situation develops. The Sundial urges readers to avoid The Lantern and instead get their news from more trustworthy sources.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer