A new promotion across campus restaurants has students feeling queasy, and this time it’s not because of the food. Grubhub’s “grab some grub, take home a slug” promotion rolled out on campus early last week to overwhelmingly negative results. As part of the program, every Grubhub customer received a complimentary slug with their meal. Unfortunately for the university, these slimy creatures failed to inch their way into students’ hearts. Several students expressed bewilderment regarding the purpose of the promotion, stating, “I come here for lukewarm food and raw chicken, under no circumstances do I want to take home and care for a live slug. It’d be different if they tried to prepare the slugs as part of a meal. That would still be weird but at least I would respect the hustle.” Others expressed dismay at the inability to opt out of the promotion.
Amy Reyes, a sophomore majoring in architecture, is still haunted by her harrowing experience. “When I ordered my sandwich from Oxley’s, I asked for the slug on the side because I thought that would be an easy way to ‘accidentally’ leave it behind. It was working great until…until…,” Amy paused, wincing as she recalled the incident, “…until one of the workers caught me and retaliated by slinging a barrage of slugs in my direction. I tried to escape, but there was no solace from the bombardment; it was like being pelted with a never-ending stream of Jell-O. Slugs on the walls, slugs on the ceiling, I see it every time I close my eyes. I don’t know if slugs are capable of biting, but I swear they were biting me. It seemed personal. And the worst part is, Oxley’s staff made me keep every last one of them! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIRTY-SIX SLUGS WILL DO TO A PERSON?!”
Although the university has declined to comment on where the slugs are coming from, there’s no shortage of theories. The most popular rumor suggests that the slugs are being mined from Morrill Tower. Several residents, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the reports. “The slugs have been living in the air vents for years,” they assured. “Those critters run Morrill Tower! You didn’t hear it from us, but the university is terrified of them. They asked the slugs for permission to tear down the place a few weeks ago. The slugs responded with vague threats of war and quickly drafted a declaration of independence. They even have their own flag! I don’t think tensions are going to go die down anytime soon either. The slugs view this stunt as a thinly veiled attempt to spread their forces thin and leave them vulnerable to attack. Nobody believes us, but my roommates and I can hear them plotting their revenge throughout the night.
You need to listen very closely, but it’s there. If Ohio State continues to kidnap slug leadership, things could get ugly real fast.” Stay tuned on The Sundial for more on this developing story, including five ways to tell if your new slug friends are just using you for information.
Written by Bryant Schroeder, Staff Writer