Aquarium (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your least-favorite professor is secretly plotting your downfall.
Pizza (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Next semester, an armed coup will make you President of the University.
Arby’s (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
The FBI saw your Spotify Wrapped and knows that you listen to Kanye. You are now on several federal watchlists.
Time to Get Rich Quick (Apr. 20 – May 20)
This is your sign to drop out and start day trading full-time. Get rid of everything in your life that doesn’t generate revenue – family, friends, pets. Unbiased tip: invest in Sundial stock.
Panini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
At age 24 you will be arrested for stealing a slice of bread. The following year you will be executed by lethal injection. A year later you will be hanged. A year after that you will be released on parole to pursue your life-long dream of owning a bakery. A year later you will be arrested again for robbing Buckeye Donuts.
Tuberculosis (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22)
On Christmas Day you will begin a passionate, decades-long affair with Brutus Buckeye. Lucky you!
Larry (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
You will pass all of your finals thanks to a unique combination of good study habits, natural intelligence, and blackmail.
Make Santa Regret Coming to Ohio (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)
You’ve been on Santa’s “naughty list” since January 1st; he won’t be bringing you anything except coal! Get your revenge this Christmas by booby-trapping your chimney.
Libya (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)
The next Grubhub food robot that delivers your order will not explode, killing you instantly. Really, we promise. Go ahead and order something.
Evil. That’s it. Soulless, blood-sucking evil. (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Kristina M. Johnson resigned so she wouldn’t have to live in the same city as you anymore.
Asparagus (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Ask your closest male friend where he was during the early hours of Tuesday, September 20th. You’ll soon discover he had an intimate rendezvous with a certain tree on the Oval.
Caprisun (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You are the Chosen One! You will single-handedly defeat Michigan in the biblical Battle of Armageddon at the End of Days. Better brush up on your karate skills.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer