RPAC, COLUMBUS — After sending all of her administrators for a three-week, all inclusive trip to DisneyWorld, President Johnson announces her latest action to help address overload at the RPAC free weights station. Announced in a press conference today, the RPAC will now enforce a mandatory “fast-pass” style system
Students with the rattiest ass shirts will be automatically pushed to the front of the line using a queuing system, hoping that their impressive physique, or daresay confidence in describing their ability to lift weights will help to weed down the line of mostly ambitious freshmen.
Students will be invited by email to enroll in the fast pass style system in order based on a strict criteria of muscle mass, BMI, and casual misogyny found in class GroupMes.
“We feel that this system will help slow down the clog of self-described ‘casual’ gym-goers who are only there to learn, or better themselves, or whatever,” stated President Johnson in her press conference, wearing her workout tweed blazer.
Brad Allen, president of Sigma Kappa Alpha Epsilon and self-proclaimed GymBro™ provided the Sundial with the following exclusive comment: “Me and the boys can actually get in a solid pump after Finance now that they’ve cleared out all the weak ass freshmen and girls that only know how to squat.
“We whole-hearted endorse this system that finally prioritizes based on need. Myself and the brothers of Alpha Delta Omega Kappa need to PR this week or we lose our fastpass status.”
Kristina Johnson hopes to have this system up and running by next Friday, but experts are not confident, as it is being constructed by the same team that brought us Buckeyelink.
Written by Taylor Legall, Contributor and Henry Levenberg, Editor-in-Chief