Following Congress’ formal declaration of war against Russia earlier this week, President Biden announced that he would be deploying ten thousand troops from the Ohio National Guard to Ukraine’s Donbas region. The action was condemned by the United Nations, which issued a statement describing the deployment as “a war crime.” President Biden responded by calling the condemnation “a load of malarkey.”
“Here’s the deal,” Biden declared. “Russia has officially gone too far. It’s time for us to take brutal and decisive action – that’s why we’re sending our top Ohioan troops. We’ve all seen the Ohio memes, we know what those people are capable of… the Russkies don’t stand a chance.”
According to one of the Sundial’s many sources in the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin didn’t take the news of the deployment well. Upon hearing that Ohioans would be deployed against his troops, Putin reportedly dropped to his knees and began screaming profanities at the sky. According to the same source, Putin’s top generals immediately advised him to surrender unconditionally.
Ohio State students also weren’t too happy with the news. “Why are we sending troops to Russia when our real enemy is right next door?” seethed Jeremiah Smith, a Fisher undergrad. “We should immediately declare war on Michigan instead!”
Just last night, University Student Government (USG) announced they were planning a campus-wide protest to rally support for the anti-Michigan movement. USG President Aaron Paise revealed that he was initially reluctant to sign off on the protest but changed his mind after experiencing a series of prophetic visions, which he believes were spiritual in nature.
“I’m telling you bro, God spoke to me,” Aaron assured us. “He told me that the only conflict that really matters is the battle between Good and Evil, and that we [Ohio State] are Good and that Michigan is Evil. Seriously dude, He really did speak to me, and He really did show me the way ahead… It’s my hope that the campus protest we’re planning will ultimately become a new Crusade, and that we as Ohioans will stand together to conquer Michigan.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer