Earlier this week, Interim President Brutus Buckeye announced that the university would be making a bid to host the 2030 FIFA World Cup. If chosen, Ohio State would be the first-ever university to host the World Cup.
“2030 may seem far away, but it’s never too early to start bribing the FIFA officials.” Brutus declared. “The world of soccer – or football, as it’s known outside of Ohio – would greatly benefit from having Ohio State host this tournament. Trust me, the people over at FIFA already know this; they just need a few million laundered Dining Dollars to remind them.”
In anticipation of Ohio State being chosen to host the 2030 World Cup, Brutus has already commissioned Shakira to write and perform the event’s official song, which will be titled “Buckeye Buckeye (This Time for Ohio).” Some students were upset with Brutus’ decision to hire an outsider to sing the song instead of someone from Ohio State. Brutus responded to this criticism by exclaiming, “Bruh… we literally got Shakira! What more do you want? Besides, she’s from Colombia, which is pretty much the same as Columbus.”
Brutus later went on to provide more details regarding how the tournament would be managed. “The main event will be held on the South Oval. We were going to use the actual Oval, but let’s be real – no one really cares about this fake football. It’s only fitting that the fake sport be played on the fake Oval.”
Last year’s World Cup in Qatar was highly criticized due to the country’s numerous human rights abuses. “Luckily, Ohio State doesn’t have any scandals like that,” said Brutus, who was recently subpoenaed to appear at the Richard Strauss trial. “On a different note, I’d like to take this opportunity to let the world know that we, unlike Qatar, will be allowing alcohol at the tournament! For both spectators and players!”
Brutus has also already started making deals with various multinational hotel chains to help convert Ohio State’s residence halls into temporary hotels for World Cup attendees. North Campus dorms like Houston, Nosker, and Scott will be rebranded with the luxurious Ritz-Carlton name, while less-habitable dorms like Baker and the Towers will be advertised as cheap motels.
Ohio State University has already been chosen to host the 2024 Olympics, as reported by the Sundial last year. This fact has led some to question whether it’s fair that Ohio State gets to host two high-profile sports events in the span of a decade. When a reporter repeated this concern to Brutus, he sneered and said, “Fair? Of course it’s fair! Do you know how much of our students’ tuition money will be going towards FIFA bribes? For what we’re paying, we should get to host every World Cup until the end of time!”
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer