I swear to fucking god, if I see anyone kissing their significant others this Valentine’s Day, I will punch them in the fucking throat. It isn’t because I don’t have a girlfriend; I don’t need one, I’m an alpha-male. Depictions of PDA on this campus makes me sick, sick I tell you. And to do such an act on the day of our lord, St.Valentine’s Day, well you are just one sick fuck.Let’s put the Christ back in Valentine’s Day. Fun fact: did you know that kissing someone is the number one way to spread germs? Do I even need to mention that we are still in a pandemic!? So for you to be a selfish twat and kiss someone on Valentine’s Day while our world suffers from a deadly disease is frankly one of the most inhumane things that I can think of. And what about the green M&M? The WOKE media won’t tell you this, but I will; I think it’s a load of bullshit! Also, hear me out, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Obamacare. I’m just being honest! Did anyone happen to see Everything Everywhere All At Once? I did, I was on a plane, and I couldn’t hear half of the things they were saying because United Airlines can’t afford working headphones. As Da Vinci once said, “all the world’s a stage”, and in this case the world is Everything Everywhere All At Once and the stage is audio quality. The movie experience is going to depend entirely on how good the audio quality is and if it fucking sucks, then what’s the point of watching? Plus, who even watches the Oscars anyways? I stopped watching after The Passion of the Christ didn’t win best picture in 2005. Free Mel Gibson (I’m Jewish by the way)!

Look, I’m asking you, no, I’m begging you, don’t be that guy this Valentine's Day. A hug, a handshake, a pat on the back, that’s all cool with me! But don’t even think about smacking your chapped lips up against another’s. Again, this rant isn’t because I’m a single incel living with my mother while going on Tinder 24/7, that would be weird. Instead, this is a message coming from the kindness of my heart, a heart which ironically, is the symbol of this upcoming holiday. A holiday where if I fucking see anyone kissing their partners in public, I will punch them in the throat.

Written by Grant Lieberman, Contributor